The Cost of Dog Ownership

Most studies say that a typical dog owner spends about $500 a year to care for his or her dog.

Ha! Ha! Ha! If you’re a serious dog owner, you are laughing now. For most of us, $500 a year is a mere down payment. There are the dental appointments (you don’t want a dog with periodontal disease—and the bad breath that comes with it). And there are training classes: obedience, agility, maybe something exotic like flyball or dancing with dogs. And the groomer. And the super-premium all-natural food, made with human-grade ingredients that cost six times as much as what you paid for your own dinner last night.

The expenses that can really put you in the poorhouse are the medical bills. Does your dog have a spinal problem? Make an appointment with a veterinary neurologist and a surgeon—and maybe even an acupuncturist and a chiropractor. Don’t forget weeks at a specially designed doggie spa for physical rehabilitation.

There are doggie ophthalmologists, allergists, orthopedic surgeons, oncologists, cardiologists, reproductive specialists, dentists (who actually do doggie orthodontia) and even veterinary behaviorists—the canine equivalent of a psychiatrist. And they are not being paid by an HMO.

You’ll want your dog to have the best of everything, from custom doggie beds to special training treats to rhinestone collars to Halloween costumes. Expect to spend about $1,500 a year if you’re a really devoted dog owner.

Because your dog is getting top-notch care, he’ll live longer than most pets; a healthy, robust dog is likely to live to be 14 or over. Fourteen years at $1,500 a year—that’s $21,000 over the life of your dog.

For $21,000 you can:

- Rent a Jaguar for three years or buy a Chrysler PT Cruiser and pay for insurance for four years. These cars are babe magnets and stud finders.

- Go to Harvard for eight months. Mentioning you went to Harvard is a sure-fire way to impress a member of the opposite sex.

- Rent a yacht and have the party of a lifetime—inviting every potential date you know.

- Buy the woman of your dreams a pair of diamond earrings (total carat weight of 2.0) from the Victoria collection at Tiffany and Company, and still have money to take her to a Broadway play and dinner at Sardi’s.

- Buy the man you’ve got a crush on a Rolex Oyster President gold watch, and still have money left over to take him to an NBA play-off game.

- Get 14 Armani suits (for men or women). The corporate executive look just might catch the eye of someone else who’s spending a fortune on clothes to attract an executive-type mate.

- Make yourself over with cosmetic surgery. For $21,000, you can buy liposuction, a tummy tuck, a facelift and breast augmentation (for women) or pectoral implants (for men).

So, if you’re a non-dog person just looking for love, you can improve your odds by spending your money at the car dealership, Tiffany’s, or maybe even the plastic surgeon’s office.